dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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