Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
