my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
