so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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