Too much gin, very little bucket
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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