singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
So squirting runs in the family.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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