You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
