a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
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