I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
