1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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