my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
