You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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