Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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