from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
