I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I could make wine with my vomit
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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