When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My dad just said "fuck circus"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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