My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
