Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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