i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
