Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Randomize
