It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
