I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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