then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize