God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Randomize
