At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
pray to the hookup gods
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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