am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think your dad took our porno
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
