Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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