he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
