Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
