Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
