Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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