how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
