So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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