he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
