What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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