Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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