I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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