i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize