Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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