pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
