Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
