She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
