well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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