He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
