so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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