Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
