Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
