Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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