i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
...so i touched it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
