btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize