in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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