i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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