I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
