Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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