i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
