Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I did not marry a roomba.
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