Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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