So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
why do cheetos always look like penises
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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