consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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