Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
