I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
