Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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